How Many Babies Can One Plane Handle?

Well the answer to that question is more than you would care hear screaming at one time.

So we just got back on our vacation. We went to Hawaii because we belong to the elite rich that write checks to the government every year after we get our return back because we simply don't pay enough taxes and wish they'd raise our taxes and take more of our money so we wouldn't feel so guilty about being so rich. *insert sarcasm on more than one front*

Anyways since we don't have children of our own we are learning many lessons should we decide to have kids. The lesson we learned this trip was don't take your baby on a 5 or 8 hour plane trip. Because your screaming baby that apparently wasn't given enough Benedryl will irritate the other passengers around you no matter how cute he or she is. And you know what else will irritate them? You prancing up and down the isles with you baby as if to show the whole plane "look how darn cute my kid is, and oh, look how skinny I am after having a baby!!!" WE DON'T CARE. All we care about is that you have now blocked our line of vision for the terrible, yet time-consuming movie that is showing for our entertainment. MOVE!!!!!

I understand that sometimes babies need to fly places and I can tolerate them on short flights. And I sympathize with the parents that clearly dread the fact that they needed to get somewhere faster than a car will allow them to go. But these are flights that last no more than 2 hours. I've decided that the hours you brave taking your kid on a flight should correlate with his/her age. If it's less than 5 years old, don't take it to Hawaii by way of Los Angeles.

I seriously question the benefit of taking a child on a trip that they will not have any warm fuzzy memories of. Take it camping, take it to grandma and grandpa's house, unless they live in Hawaii. Then let Grandma and Grandpa come and visit for the first few years of it's life. I'm not kidding. Unless you are willing to give them an OD of Benedryl or something else you've discovered that knocks them out for at least 5 hours.

Oh but you see, our flight over was 8 hours because we went through Dallas. That is the plane that had at least 7-8 babies all under the age of 2 on it. REALLY? Your kid can't wait a couple of years to visit Hawaii? I don't care if you're doing it because you can. Congratulations!! That's not the point. The reason those of us without kids take vacations after school is in, is to avoid kids. Not because we don't like them. But because we can't stand the ones that are allowed to be bratty. We forgot about the babies that probably find a plane ride torturous to begin with and their parents who insist on taking them to Hawaii.

OH well...we've decided to have quintuplets and take them all to Australia by ourselves when they are oh 6 months to a year old. I just need to make sure all those parents on our flights there and back are also on that plane so they can get a taste.

Before you jump down my throat about how insensitive and horrible I am, please refer to the paragraph in green above.

Socially Ignorant or Just Atagonistic?

So I have a coworker who's completely inappropriate in more ways than one. He likes to look the ladies up and down and rarely looks at them in the eyes unless that's the only option you give him. i.e. never turn your body to face him, only your head, and if need be, turn your body away so all he can look at is your head or your shoulder. This coworker has told many an inappropriate stories about his own family, I can't even share the one that scarred us all for life, because there's no need for you all to be scarred as well.

Occasionally when we go out to lunch on for birthdays in our groups, he has been know to make politically provocative statements. No one seems to know if he's trying to get a discussion going, or if he's ignorant to the fact that we are such a diverse group that we will not all agree politically, hence the a bad idea to bring these topics up. Either way, the discussion is always quickly changed by any of the rest of us to more appropriate topics of conversation, because the statements he makes are so ignorant, his own political peers don't want him representing the views of their party. I say this not because it's inappropriate to discuss politics, but we are in a working environment where we have to get along and work together, and politics is so polarizing that unless you know you all agree, it's socially a bad topic to bring up in the workplace. Especially because most of us are reasonable and agree that everyone is entitled to their opinion no matter how right or wrong it is. And we all feel strongly about ourselves being right that we aren't even open to changing our minds.

This is all build up to tell you about our last staff meeting. He decides to tell the boss that he will potentially be out for jury duty (this is not something I would bring up in a staff meeting. I would go to the boss's office or send an email explaining this). Then he continues on to say he doesn't think he'll be picked because it's a capital case and he's against the death penalty. First of all. He lives in a county that's most likely going to share his point of view. Second of all, it's the defendant's lawyer's job to try and pick a jury of people that won't give his client the death penalty if he is found guilty. So there is no logic to your statement. Second, I really couldn't care less of what your opinion of the death penalty is, but a staff meeting certainly isn't the appropriate time to throw out those kinds of statements. Because 1, it wastes the rest of our time. And 2, you know that no one is going to challenge your point of view, because the rest of us know this is an inappropriate time and place to do so.

So I've decided to go into tomorrow's staff meeting and declare to everyone, "I believe in abortion, but only as a form of birth control, because if this had happened to all the criminals on death row, then their victims would still be alive and we wouldn't have to have this silly debate about whether or not the death penalty is right or wrong."

My conclusion is now just antagonistic.

I was Right and the Lawyer was WRONG!!!!

I know that in deep down inside, most of us know that lawyers are wrong more often than not, but that on the surface, they get credit for being the all knowing, wise sages of a company. They get the final word, because after all, they went to law school and should know better. Most of us are going to deal with them in a corporate setting. In the courtroom setting, it’s usually one lawyer against another lawyer. Most people that represent themselves lose. Which is why they get a lawyer. They are trained to look at a case from all angles and argue your case. The ones that do it better than everyone else, get loads of money.

I’m going to tell you about the time I won an argument at work with a lawyer. As you can see this did not happen in a court of law. Since I work for state government, we have a whole staff of lawyers who presumably are supposed to know federal citations/laws/rules/regulations like the back of their hand. At the very least, they should be able to find them. They are also supposed to make sure that our documents and procedures comply with these federal rules, etc. among other things. We send official documents through their office to review before they get posted for public review. I find that they spend more of their time rewriting sentences that they rewrote the last time we sent them this exact type of document on another topic. They do check to make sure all of our citations are correct though. But let me tell you, if you don’t know what a citation is, apparently it’s my job, not theirs, to come up with the appropriate citation or alternative way to say it without the specific citation that would normally go there. I thought this was part of their job. But I’m getting sidetracked, as that was another story and another lawyer.

So this particular document I am referring to is being reviewed for me for the first time by this particular lawyer. This lawyer was relatively new to the job so I’m thinking this was probably the first time they had reviewed this particular type of document. They had already reviewed a whole set of documents on the same subject, for a different purpose for me months back. The lawyer sends back my document stating that according to federal citation “blah blah blah,” that my informational packet needed to be available for distribution at certain said locations, when I had in there to contact me for a copy of this informational packet, as I had for all other documents for this specific purpose. I looked up the citation referred to and saw clearly that it didn’t relate to this purpose but to the purpose this lawyer had already reviewed for me months back. I did see how this could be confusing as this revelation was based on one specific word in the citation. So I sent back an email pointing out this specific word and explained that’s what was accomplished in the prior set of documents and explained how the purpose of this document was different. I also asked if the procedure had changed for some reason to let me know so I could alert my superiors.

The lawyer sends me an email back disagreeing with me once again and saying the same thing they did the first time. At this point I don’t get paid enough to argue with lawyers plus, if I had, this lawyer could have used their hotheaded lawyerness to tell my superiors how disrespectful or blah blah blah I was. I had argued once and that was enough for my peewee position, so I passed it on to my superiors. My boss’s boss came over and told me that I was right and had handled it properly, and then we called the lawyer together at my desk. Huh…we got the voicemail. So my boss’s boss left a message saying that I was correct and that maybe they needed to check with their boss for clarification/understanding of the citation. And to please approve so that it could get posted in a timely manner and to call either of us with questions. Victory!!!!!! That was probably the best day I have had at work so far. It’s not often that I get to be declared right, even if I am.

Next thing I get is an email with the approval, but contesting our interpretation of the citation as this lawyer checked with a co-working lawyer who agreed that the citation applied to this document, (this other lawyer’s pretty flaky in my dealings so I sense easily persuaded) but their boss was out and so they’d check with her when she got back for future documents of this purpose. We’ve heard nothing back since, and I just sent another one over for this purpose last week. All I got back was a snarky comment and more rewriting of their own rewritings. It may not have been snarky, maybe it was just very much to say, I’m a lawyer and you’re not, so I’m going to make a comment to you to make sure you know that I better than you.

Yes Yes oh great lawyer….you are better than me. Tell me why it is that you’re working for pennies at the state, essentially as an editor with your commas and “is, and, or but,” changes, when you could be making more money anywhere else working the same long hours you do here probably doing more meaningful work than editing commas???? Yes yes great lawyer, you ARE better than me!!! But I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG!!!! Now I’m going to do a happy dance!!! In your face.

Fairytale Weddings…Time for a Reality Check Ladies

In honor of wedding season, it’s time to discuss the fiasco that is weddings. As a disclaimer, I don’t believe I’ve been to, or been involved in an over the top wedding. So I’m not criticizing any of you my dear sweet friends. That said we have become a crazy whacked out society, teaching brides to be, to embrace their inner narcissistic divas.
This has never made any sense to me. I mean little girls are trained to dream about their weddings from birth. Maybe it’s just a programming glitch on the second X chromosome. Estrogen overload!!! “I Must Think About Girl Stuff, Which Means My Wedding in 20-30 years!!!” I can’t say I wasn’t into this somewhat. Because my mother still had her wedding dress and I always liked doing grown up things. So I can remember the few times she let me put on her dress.

The other thing that gets little girls obsessing, is if they are cute enough and the right age for a relative or family friend's wedding, they will be a flower girl at least once. They get to wear a pretty little dress. Have their hair done to maximize their cuteness. And take pictures with the bride wearing her pretty dress. I think somewhere in there mothers and aunts start talking to them about their wedding. At that moment we all realized, this is what our purpose in life is. We are born not for the pleasure of men, or to have meaningful careers, but so that on that special day, we can look the prettiest we’ll ever be, and everyone will comment on how gorgeous we look, and we’ll be the center of attention for one whole day. After that it will go downhill because purpose #2 is to have babies. Doll companies have made millions on this purpose for women so that we can get lots of practice being mommies when we are little. I hated dolls so maybe my second X chromosome was defective somehow.

So we plan and we plan for the next 20 years, and then vehemently search for and stalk Mr. Right until he asks us to marry him. During this 20 years of planning, we have been increasingly exposed to more wedding crap, because well it is a multi-billion dollar industry and the survival of the industry depends on our increased exposure and dreaming through commercials, pictures, and even television shows. It’s worth that kind of money to spend on advertising when many brides spend $20,000 or more for one day. ONE DAY!!!! If I ever spend 20 grand on one day I’d better be getting a house or something that will build our equity. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is worth more than 20 grand, but he’s also worthwhile enough to show him that I’d never waste that kind of money on a party or put our marriage in jeopardy from the start by accumulating huge debt for one day of fun.

I loved my wedding day, but not for the wedding itself but for the fact that I was marrying my best friend and partner for life. If I could do it all over again, I would have spent even less than we did. We could have easily accomplished this by having it outdoors in someone’s backyard, which incidentally was my plan until we picked an August date. And I would have sent out fewer invitations. Although rest assured, those of you reading this would never had been scratched from that list. I just wish we’d spent even less.

I think for most of the crazy brides portrayed on T.V., it is the happiest day of their life not because they are marrying their best friend, but because they are the center of attention. For them, it wouldn’t matter who the guy was up there. They probably wouldn’t notice or care if there was a stand-in for their husband.

I read and hear about stories of brides pushing up the budget for the wedding and passing on money saving ideas in favor of something more fancy or prestigious or pretentious. And they rarely consider the feelings and financial situations of the friends they’ve asked to be apart of the ceremony. Many brides put unrealistic demands on their bridesmaids and husband to be all in the name of the best day of their life. Let’s not forget the running joke of the over priced bridesmaid dresses that your bridesmaids will only wear once and probably look ridiculous in. But that’s right it’s about you the bride, so it doesn’t matter what your friends have to spend to look silly in your pictures.

Finally, I think that too many people focus on that one day rather than prepare themselves to focus on the marriage. I mean the 3 biggest arguments among married couples are about money, kids, and sex. Why would you start your marriage off with an unnecessary debt to argue over, or set the expectation of over-spending and extravagance? It just sets the marriage up to be strained as soon as you get back to the real world. The day goes by so quickly and all you have are memories. Don’t let your wedding memories fill you with resentment towards each other because you are still paying it off 2, 3, or even 5 years later. You’ll be much happier if you don’t.

How Old is Too Old to Renew a Driver’s License Without a Driving Test?

You may have heard the story not too long ago about the 101-year-old woman who got her driver’s license renewed until 2011!!! There are many stories out there of vintage people renewing their licenses and I say good for them. I’m always encouraged when I meet a 90-year-old person who’s as sharp as a tack, and very independent. It gives me hope that you can live a very functional and independent life at that age. None-the-less, it doesn’t mean you are still going to be a good driver 3 years from now!!!! Who’s to say they don’t have a death wish themselves and are of sound enough mind to look for an accident? After all 100 years is a long freakin time to live. And with all the aches and pains I have at 30, I can’t imagine them being 3 times worse or more than now.

There are plenty of tragic stories out there of 80 and 90 year old drivers running people down and killing them, accidentally of course, and not even noticing that something is or was terribly wrong. I have a real problem with them not having to take some kind of driving test every year they want to keep their driver’s license. They should have to prove that they are alert and paying attention to the road and the surroundings related to the road.

Now I realize that some people can have good days and that the driving test won’t catch everyone that shouldn’t be driving, but it would be a start and could help keep dangerous drivers off of the road. I believe it is also the responsibility of families and friends to intervene if their vintage family member or friend is showing signs of being hazardous to themselves and other drivers by being on the road.

I also understand that there are 16, 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 year olds that shouldn’t be driving who have been terrible drivers since they were acquired a vehicle. I also understand that sometimes terrible drivers get incredibly lucky, (or maybe it’s the people around them) and they never get tickets for reckless driving, or speeding through a school zone, or causing accidents. So I suppose maybe it would be fair to lump our vintage family and friends in with this group. Except that I’ll bet this group is more dangerous than the 101-year-old lady driving around. If there were a way to make this group pass a test every year without bogging down the system, I’d support it. But there are so many stupid and crazy drivers out there that think they own the road and think they are above the rules of the road, that I don’t know that this would be feasible. So I will have to continue being proactive and watching out for them. I think the over 80 crowd is more feasible to require yearly testing. Shoot, I don’t plan on driving at that age. I’ll hitchhike if I have to. Maybe they will have figured out the whole teleportation thing by then and this will no longer be an issue. I can only hope.

In the meantime, drive safe, and keep an eye out for the crazies out there. And be honest and forceful if necessary if your vintage family members and friends shouldn't drive anymore.

Out of Control Lawsuits a Drag on Consumers

Every so often you hear of lawsuits for crazy things like suing PetSmart because a transplant donor got a sick hamster from there, and after dying and having donated organs, various recipients died. http://www.newsinferno.com/archives/2892
I’m sorry for your loss, but poor testing of the donor’s organs to find out if they are healthy to donate, is hardly PetSmart’s responsibility.

Just google “ridiculous lawsuits, and a whole host of sites will pop up telling you notorious lawsuits. http://www.the-injury-lawyer-directory.com/ridiculous_lawsuits.html
Discusses what they consider to be the 10 most ridiculous lawsuits of all time. While most of these were thrown out, fighting these lawsuits can cost companies millions of dollars, which are factored into the cost of doing business, aka the cost of goods or services sold, meaning defending and or settling these lawsuits are factored into the price that you and I pay for these goods and services.

Many of you may remember the phony finger in the chili at Wendy’s lawsuit that was planted by the plaintiff. Not only did Wendy’s have to defend themselves, they had to do some serious damage control after their image suffered because of the false accusation. Even if sales are back to normal, that income is lost forever. Who is supposed to pay for that? Who’s deep pockets can they go after to sue to recoup that money?

My solution is to pass loser pays legislation. And if the client doesn’t have the money, then the law firm representing them assumes that responsibility. And if either say “so what, I have no money for them to take,” then both the client and the lawyer become employees of the company they sued at minimum wage until the debt has been satisfied.

Unfortunately there are many legitimate reasons and needs for lawsuits, but they seem to pale in comparison to frivolous lawsuits that are in court. And the only people winning are the lawyers. They are walking away with most of the money. And they are ruining what could be a perfectly useful legal system at the hope of hitting a lottery of a case. At least this way, they would have assume more responsibility and do more research and fact checking before agreeing to represent a client and proceed with a lawsuit.

I’m sure there are many honest and responsible lawyers out there doing good, we just hear about the ones moving forward with the ridiculous lawsuits that are costing the hardworking people their hard earned dollars. And now you know the story of how lawyers got a bad rap. (or is it rep?)

New Kids Back N'Sync - Is That Ridiculously Genius or What!?!?

So I guess this one is for the ladies probably within 5-7 years of me either way give or take. And perhaps their parents as they are about to relive a time period they thought was dead. I was not a New Kids on the Block fan. But I'll admit, I secretly liked Cover Girl. Oh oh oh, She's my Cover Girl, oh oh oh, oh oh oh.....That song rocked!!! But back in the day I kept my like of that song in the closet. I guess because I was trying so hard not to be like everyone else. Oh and of course I still knew their names and had my favorite. Mine was Jon, while everyone else loved Joey or Jordan. REALLY??? Because those two looked the most like girls of anyone in the group back in the day. How is it possible that they were the dreamboats of the group? I guess I went for the shy underdog. I know you might call Danny the underdog, but give me some credit. I had taste. Poor Danny always called a monkey. He's changed the least of everyone in the group.

All of my friends, well at least some of them that I've asked about it, are freaking excited that they will be coming to a town near them. Tickets go on sale any day and they are planning to go. That is one concert that will probably be as bad as going to a Jonas Brothers concert because all the women, who are now mothers, who were huge fans, will bring their 6-12 year old daughters probably, and teach them how to scream non-stop at a concert because the boys singing and dancing on stage are sooooo cute. Never mind that they are singing a song you might like to hear. Screaming is much more productive, because of all the thousands and thousands of screams, yours will be the most unique and heard. And Jordan or Joey will look directly at you and motion for you to come up on stage so they can sing to you. Afterwards, they'll send you backstage to wait for them for the after-party. And it will be the best night of your life. That's what screaming at a New Kids concert will accomplish.

Never mind the obvious that they are what, 15-20 years older. I guess we all are. But inside these crazy fans of theirs still have the posters and buttons somewhere and hold on to the fantasy that their favorite will see them in the crowd and instantly fall in love. I don't know how many of you had the giant buttons and the posters, but I'm sure most of you at least remember all the girls that came to school with the giant buttons pinned all over their back packs or on the back of their jean jacket. They were so cool. I wanted to be just like them. I was so jealous of their big awkward pins that they were wearing on their jacket, looking all cool with their Keds, french rolled jeans, and side pony tail. I bet you all miss those days don't you? I wasn't cool enough for all those things. Well I did rock the french rolled jeans now and then, but it was hard since I was tall and fighting the high water look to begin with.

So to all of you brave enough, perhaps crazy enough, to attend their concert, I hope it's everything you ever dreamed of and more. Better than the first time around. As for me, I'll just pop in my mixed CD that has Cover Girl on it, and turn up the volume as I sing at the top of my lungs driving to work as my tribute to all you nutty fans out there.

Are all Dentists Scam Artists?

So I was inspired to get this off my chest in light of my visit to the dentist today. How is it that every time you go to a new dentist, you miraculously have a mouthful of cavities or dental work that is going to cost at least $500 or more like you never take care of your teeth? I’m guessing if you have really good insurance they get away with doing unnecessary work more often than not. But when you have not so good insurance like me, more of a “group discount” than insurance, you have to be mindful of them.

Now my visit today was really to find out if they would pull my two wisdom teeth, one of which is stuck on bony material, which is allowing food to get caught back there. This is becoming increasingly more and more difficult to keep clean, in spite of the fact I do a good job of it. How is it you ask that I, a 30-year-old woman, still have wisdom teeth? I’m tempted to give out my parents’ phone numbers and email addresses for you to bombard them with this question that I myself still have. Nonetheless, I still have them and 2 of them have popped through the surface.

So before I made the appointment I called and asked if any of the dentists there pull wisdom teeth. This matters because of how much I will have to pay. I’ve already been referred to a specialist once, which they said would cost $60 just to find out how much he’s going to charge me. When I called they told me that they would pull some, depending on this that or the other. So I had to at least try, since I figured that these teeth being above the surface made my odds better. Apparently I’m doomed to go to pay a specialist if I’m going to get this food trap removed from my mouth. Thanks Mom and Dad!!!! You Guys are Awesome!!!! I take this as proof that my brother was the favorite. His were out in high school, while still under their responsibility and insurance.

Back to my mistrust of dentists: I had a dentist that told me I needed over $1000 worth of work. This included him pulling my wisdom teeth. But that wasn’t the expensive part. I wasn’t sure I believed him that I needed a crown, so I had him do 2 fillings to fix the immediate pain problem I was experiencing. I didn’t trust him not to mess with my teeth further while under anesthesia for my wisdom teeth extraction, so I switched dentists. Apparently, he’s the only one in town that will pull my wisdom teeth, and I trust him the least. The reason being is that no dentist since, has mentioned anything about me needing a crown on that tooth. So he must have been trying to scam me out of more dental work and more money than necessary.

My theory is that dentists can get away with it more, because unless we are dentists ourselves, we know very little about our teeth and mouth area. We just know if it’s sensitive, something’s wrong. So they can give us a whole list of things, whether we’re sensitive or not, and we blindly trust them. Because after all, they went to dental school and are now classified as “doctors” of Dentistry. Interesting how DDS stands for Doctor of Dental Surgery, and no one with a DDS will pull my wisdom teeth. Except for sneaky Pete whom I vehemently distrust more than anyone else in the world. Yes, so we blindly trust them and hand over our money and our mouths to these “experts” we know nothing about.

Hmmm. I’m seriously tempted to have them all pulled and pay for a nice set of dentures. I’m done after that. You can’t tell me I have 5 cavities every time I come in, you can’t tell me I need a root canal or a crown. Heck, I don’t even have to come in unless my doctor tells me to because of some other problem he/she can’t fix. Because I can take my teeth out and let them soak over night and they’ll be ready to go first thing in the morning. How nice would that be?

I know not all dentists are bad. In fact I’m going to switch back to my last one after I decide whether or not to get rid of these wisdom teeth now or later. Oh if only I could hit the lottery, then I wouldn’t have to worry about what the oral surgeon is going to charge me. Oh well, such is the hard life of being an adult. If I had one wish today, it would be to be 17 again long enough to get my wisdom teeth out on my parents’ dime. I mean it would be to win the lottery. I forgot.

Help a poor state worker; click some ads to help me pay to remove my wisdom teeth. Sniff sniff. Pretty Please….

Harrison Ford Waxes his Chest, Thus, Saving the World

First of all, go read this article before reading on.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Movies/05/20/harrison.ford.wax.ap/index.html

So apparently you can Google image “Harrison Ford’s Chest,” and a picture of his chest waxing comes up all over the place. Check it out, it's facinating. I’m sure he thinks that he’s making the point that his chest needs hair just like forests need trees. Or perhaps that cutting down trees hurts as bad as a good waxing. Since without them we will all choke to death on our own CO2, and obviously without chest hair, his career would be dead.

Well here’s the thing, what if Harrison Ford’s chest looks better without hair? Is that going to confuse the viewers of this public service announcement? Harrison Ford looks better without chest hair, so our world looks better without trees. What if someone watching doesn’t have chest hair? Is the metaphor lost on them? Are they found wildly running down the street screaming, distressed over the meaning that was lost on them? What do trees and chest hair have in common? I mean they aren’t even removed in the same way are they? One way involves wax, and the other involves a chain saw, or some other sophisticated form of extraction.

Ah…here’s what they have in common. Both are providing jobs to someone who would like to put food on their table, and maintain independence from their families or from the government taking care of them.

I think a more effective way of making the deforestation point would be to plant a tree or two. And to get other people involved in planting trees. I get it, we need trees all over the world. Just the other week, we replaced a poorly planted and falling over tree in our yard with a new one. But here’s the thing, people need jobs, and countries should be allowed to use their resources. Remember trees are a renewable resource. If a country wants to sustain a healthy economy, they’ll learn quickly that they must replace what they’ve used that is stimulating their economy. Shoot, we can even teach them this if they don’t seem to know it already. But don’t insist they stop doing something just because you don’t like what they are doing. It’s like banning smoking in bars, without asking the establishment owners and customers how they would respond to it. (Inhibit capitalism).

Thanks for saving the world Harrison Ford, one chest hair at a time. I’m going to go save a forest now and wax my chest! Join with me all you tree lovers out there.

Get Paid for Your Passion…What a Load of CRAP!!!

How many of you were fed the fairytale line in high school and college time and time again that you should find what you’re passionate about and get paid for it? I know I heard it time and time again. But they don’t tell you want to do if your passion doesn’t pay so well, or if you don’t have one. Does that make me an underachiever if I’m passionless? What if I’m passionate about sex? Does that mean I should become a lady of the evening? I’ll answer that for you with a big fat NO!!! Does that mean all prostitutes and strippers are living out their dream? Maybe they are.

I never had the dream as a kid of wanting to be a fire fighter or policeman. I settled on wanting to be a doctor once until my older brother savagely ripped that dream away from me by starting pre-med in college with the intentions of being the same kind of doctor I had wanted to be. Well I couldn’t be a copycat, so I let that go. Don’t worry; he wimped out and changed his major after 3 semesters and well he’s still working more hours than me. So now neither of us is a really, really successful and wealthy doctor. I showed him.

I was more passionate about not doing certain things such as teaching or nursing or being in school for a long time. While teaching and nursing are both very respectable careers, people don’t seem to understand the words I speak, and the thought of putting up with whiny kids and their parents all day makes me shudder. Kudos to those who tolerate that. Then there are the cranky, demanding patients, sponge baths, and worse for nursing, which are not my idea of good times. Never mind the fact that I could have gone into a cool specialty like surgery. You have to do the bad stuff in school and didn’t want to hate school more than necessary.

I’ve always enjoyed entertaining people and making them laugh. I have always felt most fulfilled when I made some one or a group of people laugh. Even if I think what I said was stupid. Sometimes stupid is funny. Just ask Adam Sandler, Will Farrell, and all the other Saturday Night Live alums. I was told a few times in my life that I should be on that show, which I take as one of, if not the highest compliment I could receive. The only two problems, I’m not one for fame and notoriety, and I’m not really that funny. I’d rather be in the background writing. I had some successful writing ventures in my day. Didn’t get paid, but I made people laugh. So you could say that was sort of a passion of mine, but English not so much. Which is why I passed on that major in college. Literature is an absolute bore to me and I don’t care what some author’s state of mind was when he wrote about ravens. WHO CARES!?!? Even when I tried to spice it up with my hilarious twists it was a drag. Did I ever mention that not going to college was NEVER an option? Which is paying off great in my state job!!!

Then there’s my love of various sports and activities: volleyball, skiing (water and snow), softball, football. I can/did do/play all of these very well, but not well enough to get paid. My parents would have had to devote their lives to my future career when I was a kid rather than worry about stupid stuff like, putting food on the table and clothes on my back. Besides I had a well-rounded childhood where I got to try lots of different things. So I wouldn’t change that. However I would love to be able to wake up every morning and go skiing for a few hours in the mountains, or hiking, fishing, and camping as the weather allows.

So you could say my passion is to be able to do all of these things and have such a schedule that allows me to go do them as I feel like it. Some people call that retirement. I’d like to be able to get there ASAP while I’m still young enough to enjoy it. I don’t want to be a slave to my job as I am now. So find something that will pay you enough up in the mountains. Trust me we think of this every year we go skiing. How can we make it work up here and afford to live there without living in a tornado magnet? (trailer/mobile home for those of you outside of tornado alley).

Then there’s my second dream or passion. I want to rescue boxers and doggies on death row. But I want to have enough land and shelter to support lots of them. Trust me, I would give them all the love and attention they need and desire. And I want to build them a doggy water park with a slip-n-slide and doggy pools and sprinklers. Nothing fancy, but enough for them to have some crazy fun in the summer. Think about it, it’s probably the cutest sight you can imagine.

I might be onto something here. If I could entertain enough people to make this blog thing successful enough to attract big time advertising, I could quit my job, buy a house in the mountains with some land, build a ginormous dog house with indoor and outdoor facilities for all the dogs I want to rescue. Obviously heated for the winter if need be. Then I could go skiing in the winter for a few hours a day in the morning with my season pass, come home play with the dogs and support this lifestyle all by hopefully entertaining you all and making you laugh once in awhile.

I’ll let you know in a year or two if you really CAN get paid for your passion ultimately supporting the other passions you might have, as I believe most normal people have several interests rather than just one passion. And I’ll let you know if what we were told all these years wasn’t just a load of crap!!

Pimps and Unions; Aren’t They Really the Same?

So before I get to what I feel are the obvious similarities between Pimps and Labor Unions, I have a very important question that I know many of you have discussed or thought about and one time or another. How is it that Pimps talk themselves into a job in the first place? Do they go up to prostitutes on the street and say “I got a proposition for you. You go find work and give me 70% of your money, and I’ll beat the crap out of you when I feel like it.” Is that how the negotiation works? Because let me tell you, agents only get 10% if I’m correct, and they actually find you work. If I were that prostitute I’d slap that pimp upside the head and tell him “hell no. Why would I give you 70%, 50%, or even 10% when I can keep 100%?” That seems like the obvious response from all prostitutes to wanna-be pimps. But somehow, there’s still a profession of pimps out there. Makes no sense to me.

Now that we’ve established that Pimps will take your money and beat you senseless, let’s look at just exactly what labor unions do for people. So they tell you they that they will negotiate your salary and benefits on your behalf. But this is obviously not a free service. Rather than charging you a one-time finders fee, they charge you in the form of union dues. And this comes directly out of your pay check either every time you get paid or once a month. And correct me if I’m wrong, in most union run companies, you don’t get the opportunity to opt out of the union to handle your own negotiations. You’re either in or you’re unemployed. Correct?

Next comes the negotiations, so after they’ve been taking everyone’s money for so long they have to make it look like they are doing more than just collecting dues every month. They need to justify their existence. So they rile up the payers of the dues and convince them that they need more of this, that, or the other and if they don’t get it, it’s worth striking over. So the union leaders go to management and make generally unreasonable demands and insist on their way or the highway. This is all in spite of the fact that management is telling them they just can’t afford all of that. But the union leaders refuse to budge because they want to look like heroes in an effort to justify their existence. So they force a strike and all the dues paying workers are forced to walk the picket line, which means they are no longer earning a paycheck. Well most of these people can’t afford to go without a paycheck, but nonetheless, this is expected so strike they must.

What happens if you try to cross the picket line? Haven’t you all seen Hoffa? And isn’t that when they were actually doing the workers some good? They beat them senseless. But since they probably have media outlets and the cops on the payroll, it’s not a big story. The only story is that they are on strike and management is being unreasonable and the union won’t budge because it is only “fair.” I tell you this, is it fair for them to take your money and then force you to not take a paycheck for a while? Is it fair for them to bitch-slap you if you disagree with them?

So then they go back to the negotiating table after a few days, weeks, or months and concede some of their demands but miraculously strike a deal with management and they are heroes, who by the way weren’t technically on strike since they were working for the strikers. So their incomes didn’t take a hit. Had you not paid them one bit of dues and not gone without a check while on strike, you’d probably be better off financially than you are with their “help.”

So let’s sum up the comparison between the two:

Pimps

• Take money from the hard working Prostitutes
• Force Prostitutes to do as they say
• Beat them if they try to run away
• Provide nothing of value for Prostitutes

Unions

• Take money from the workers actually doing the work for the company
• Force union workers to follow union rules
• Beat workers who dare cross the picket line
• Provide nothing of value for workers

I think I’ve made my point.

Mandatory Birth Control…What a Concept!!

How many times have you been shopping in a store or eating in a restaurant and you see these kids running helter skelter, screaming all over the place like maniacs? It makes you want to pull your hair out right? How many times have you felt like going over to their parents and violently shaking them for not doing anything about it? But kept the fantasy in your head to avoid assault and battery charges or worse. I’m not talking about the parents that take their kids to the bathroom for a good spanking or whisper halitosis threats into their ear. I’m talking about the parents that ignore their kids’ bad behavior as if they don’t exists or if that’s normal/ok kid behavior. After all “they are just kids.”

Have you ever worked in a checkout line or stood in line at the grocery store behind someone on food stamps that is not only getting the bare necessities, but somehow affording also to load up on junk food and cigarettes as well? Not to mention they are rude to you or someone around you. Or are you sick of hearing the stories on the news of a woman barely of adult status delivering a 5th or 6th kid, all of whom are on Medicaid, and how happy she is to having another baby? Does it piss you off that you are footing the bill for these people that are abusing what was originally intended to be temporary help from the government? Again, I’m not talking about the people that are receiving temporary help and are working to better their lives. I’m talking about the perpetual offenders that are just poor enough to live off the government but have their priorities so straight that they can afford, satellite TV, alcohol, and cigarettes. At least we’re getting some tax dollars back from them in the form of the “sin taxable items.”

The concept for mandatory birth control was developed by a friend (who shall remain nameless unless she chooses to identify herself in the comments) and myself probably about 15 years ago now back in high school. I’m sure it was a class where we were bored and could be spotted counting ceiling tiles on any given day. The discussion had to do with how high school and college girls always seem to get knocked up when they are drunk. This may mean that alcohol increases fertility if you haven’t tried it yet. Since you don’t want babies being born to young, unprepared, un-wed mothers, this led us to the conclusion of putting birth control in alcohol. That way poor judgment could be rendered useless, and the innocent children, that get dragged into these situations rather than responsibly adopted out to capable and responsible families, would be protected from their would-be mothers.

Brilliant idea huh?!?!?

Forget the fact that it seems Marxist or Communistic or whatever category of bad political philosophy that you don’t want any part of. If you can overlook that one tiny problem, it’s a genius solution to a growing problem.

Of course over the years I’ve tried to improve upon the plan to add it to the water supply whereby, I will be the keeper of the antidote. Or at least I get to be in charge of who gets the temporary antidote. Prospective parents would of course have to pass a test, each time they want a new child, and prove to be able to support a child of their own means. They also have to have had no government assistance claims in the last 5 years. If they currently have a child, they have to show proof that they are respectable, responsible parents who are raising their current child or children to be respectable and responsible citizens.

The test would include questions like: “True or false, it’s ok for your child to play one parent against the other?” And for the sake of establishing consistency, “You child asks you if they can go to a party Saturday night, what’s your response?"
a) Of course dear. Do you need me to get the booze for you?
b) Yes, just don’t bring home any STDs.
c) Did you ask your mother/father?

Other questions would include simple geography and social studies questions like “how many states are there in the U.S.?” and “Can you name the current president and vice president of the U.S.?” and “How much do you pay in taxes?” Anyone responding incorrectly to these questions will have to reapply to have a child at a later date until they can prove themselves a wee bit more intelligent than that.

Seems like a relatively simple test right? Oh that my dream could become reality.

Anyways so there it is. I’m certain you will all agree while genius, it’s probably too good to be true. And of course it goes against my philosophy of freedom of choice, but anyone living off the government has taken away my freedom of choice not to support his or her irresponsibility. So I’m willing to compromise this one particular choice in the name of making the world a better place.