Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Psycho Plant Killer on the Loose

I wish I had a before and after picture of this true story I'm about to share with you. This starts in May of 2007. I was given a plant for my birthday by one of my coworkers. You know, one of those generic ivy plants that you can essentially grow from a leaf I think. It was of small contained size in a small pot. A very nice gesture I thought. So I put it on my desk to clean the stale air we breath in hopes that I didn't accidentally kill it, as I'm terrible with plants and generally hate them because they always seem to be a breeding ground for gnats. But I knew this was caused by over watering.

I quickly learned that I could water it when it would start to turn yellow and it would green right back up and continue to grow. This plant has been thriving under my care for the last year and some months and has grown some nice long green leafy stems. It was a nice little plant when I got it and it grew into and nice big plant. I was very proud at the fact that I didn't kill it.

So I arrive back at work from vacation on Monday of this week and low and behold some stems have obviously been torn off at the dirt line. Some are completely gone but one of the decapitated stems was left behind. Who does that?!?!?! Psycho, Insane, Ass Munch!!! (I'm sorry that had to be said. I apologize if that offends anyone). Oh and one stem appears to have been torn off at the middle and the remaining leaves were removed. But there are still two perfectly nice stems left. I'm thinking this must be a joke but it really isn't funny. Lock me out of my computer and put my personal things in a box to make me think I'm fired. That would be funny. But cut up my plant, that's an invasion of my personal space. What else of mine are you helping yourself to???

So today I arrive and the last to perfectly good stems are ripped off. One left behind and one gone. Oh the naked half-stem is still there. I'm really expecting the last decapitated stem, which I put in water (I don't know why because as mentioned before I'm not one for plants and so transplanting it will not likely be done with my hands) and the the half stem to be gone tomorrow.

This is not the workings of a practical joker. This is the working of a psychotic imbecile who will rue the day I catch them. I put a note on the pot "Beware, camera now watching for psychos," I hope they read that and tremble with fear and bring me a new plant with a sincere apology.

I like to think of it as a metaphor for income redistribution. Ohhh Amber had too nice of a plant and someone else doesn't have one at all so I'm going to take it from her and give it to them because she's clearly capable of growing a new one. Well what about the hard work I put into growing that plant you nutjob? What about that?

Furious, Just Livid

Oh this happened to my coworker a month or more back. Hers was a single stem I believe and so it was cut down in stages. We suspected the boss and grilled him on it. He denies it but I think we know he did it. I asked him about my plant and he swears he didn't do it. To which I told him the police had already been there and dusted for prints so we'll know shortly if it was him. Then he said that was why he burned off his prints...DANGIT!!! I just thought of something, if there are no prints it's definitely him. I made it very clear to him that it's psychotic and NOT FUNNY...Well maybe it is now...but not to me... He has no motive to harm my plant so I believe him.

But still I wonder....Is there a serial plant killer on the loose???


Missy said...

I think there is a plant killer on the loose. That's too much of a coincidence.

cube said...

Oh, the plant-manity!

Anonymous said...

If you don't like paying US taxes, which are the lowest of the developed world, please leave.

Why do you hate America?

Amber Sunshine said...

Why do you post anonymously? I don't hate America. This is the greatest country in the world. When did hating taxes = hating America? Don't forget about corporate taxes which are the 2nd highest in the world. And corporations don't pay taxes, it's employees do, it's customers do. I just don't want income taxes or corporate taxes or death taxes or any other kind of taxes to be raised. I don't think a graduated tax system is fair either. In fact I support a system of taxation. It's called the Fair Tax. Check it out www.fairtax.org

Kellie said...

I rather think the author's blog (at least a smidge of it) wasn't a knock on america at all but actually a suggestion for its' citizens to step up and take personal responsibility for themselves and their finances. A kind of, please don't expect handouts because my family is budgeting properly and doing without things we can't afford. (In this way dependence on the government can be lessened - the way it should be.)

P.S. I heart fair tax.

Kellie said...

One thing - I'm scared of the Psycho Plant Killer but secretly wonder if he's as hot as the Bay Harbor Butcher....