Monday, August 25, 2008

"Air Birth Control"

Since we will be going on vacation in a couple of weeks, I'm going to hold off on great pics from around the world for this week as I promise to take many pictures to last for weeks. But don't hold me to that because I'm terrible at taking pictures.

So today I've decided to talk about this phenomenon I affectionately call "Air Birth Control." This applies to all the ladies who happened to get pregnant while on the pill which has a failure rate of less than 1%. I'm sure someone will correct me on my statistic. And if you or your wife happened to get pregnant while taking the pill, save it. Because unless you take your pill to an alarm everyday like I do and you have an independent verifier that sees the pill go in your mouth and down your throat, I can't confirm that you have taken the pill as advised.

My theory is that those that get pregnant on the pill either forgot to take their pill for a couple of days, can't be trusted to take it regularly, or literally throw the pill away and swallow air and claim they're on the pill. A friend and I crack up at the sight of this and if I were a cast member on SNL, I'd be happy to write a sketch about this to illustrate my point. I tried making a drawing to illustrate my point, but I'm a much better excel artist.

I take my pill every day to an alarm. Same time same place. I even worry if I forget and take it a few hours later. Even though logically I know that should be sufficient. I just don't want to be a statistic of failure. Which leads me to my theory on that statistic. I think that statistic is largely made up of people who took the pill improperly and lied about taking it responsibly. I'd say it's made up mostly of women who were trying to "trap" their boyfriend into marriage, or married women who were ready to have a baby before their husband was but needed something to blame other than herself. "Huh, I guess we're part of that 1%..." This is because there is only so much time you have available to you each month to even conceive and you want to tell me that you still found that time while taking birth control? hmmm...very interesting. My advice guys, don't trust your woman if she's on the pill unless you're ready to have an "oopsy" kid, or you see her take it every day

Just my theory. I know it doesn't apply to you. And that's fine. You really ARE part of that statistic. Good for you.

What I do know is that if anyone's going to pregnant while taking the pill properly, it's going to be me for saying all of this. But at least I'm at the point where I can handle it if I am cursed, I mean blessed with the true failure of birth control. I'll be sure to be truthful about taking it properly or truly forgetting it (unintentionally of course). And I'll admit it if I do turn out wrong. But you can be sure I'll be the first to say I forgot if I did.


Kellie said...

Expose the lies.

Traci said...

Don't you find it just a teeny bit amusing to be an employed, married adult stressing over an accidental pregnancy? I was just having this conversation with a friend at work last night who has a 3-month old (conceived on air birth control)and she is currently employing THREE simultaneous methods of birth control to keep it from happening again. Now that's protection.

Amber Sunshine said...

Hopefully method two isn't pin pricked condoms, or condoms sitting out in the hot sun for the last year. And hopefully method 3 isn't expired spermacide.

It is funny that I should be so responsible and capable, yet still so worried about accidental pregnancy. Planned is the way to go when having babies!!!

Jess said...

I'm in the same position as you and I agree entirely with everything you said. I've always thought that if you truly don't want to get pregnant then you don't. Except for that 1% margin of error - sucks to be them.